Peaceful frustration.

We've caught up to my current time line and the road is winding. There are hills and forking roads that can sometimes be confusing.

One of the things that I am constantly dealing with is trying to figure out if others know if I am Transgender or not. I hate that I even have to wonder about this. It is hurting me.

I don't like that I was born so differently. I am depressed because I don't feel that I will ever be treated as a normal girl would be. I hate that I have to have major surgery and pay for pills for the rest of my life to have some semblance of normality in my life. I hate that my father does not care to even try to call me by my chosen name.

I hate that when my brother needs some help with legal problems my Dad is all over it and when I do it is ignored for years.

So much hate. How do I let go? I feel helpless. I need an out, what ever it might be.

Of Earth and Mind.

We’ve talked about the past and its difficulties. I feel that it is time that we move on to the present...

I sit in my living room, a huge TV looming over me like a majestic shining centerpiece. Toys.

We have 3 children living with us. Their little voices piercing through the air still unaware about the harsh times they will likely have ahead. The responsibility of being a grown up.

My parents took me in after a long relationship with an ex girlfriend went wrong. I’ve been here for 4 maybe 5 years. I feel that I’ve more than over stayed my welcome.

Last year something happened.  My best friend moved in, I became vegan and I started making videos of myself on a daily basis to put on the Internet. 

I speak on camera about what I’ve done all day and sometimes bring the camera with me to show anyone that wants to watch a part of my day. It’s been a very different experience. This helped me get over my fears of transition and helped me move on to start my own.

I saw a movie called ‘Earthlings’ that year and it is the reason I am vegan. The movie explains that we are a product of the earth as are all of the other animals on this planet. It puts humans and the other animals of the earth on equal ground. We are all ‘Earthlings’.

My friend Justin and his lovely son started living here. There was some adjustment that was made to where I sit. He brought this TV along with him. So we changed rooms and sit on opposite sides of the couch while his son sits between us. 

The two other kids here are my brothers son’s. They are visiting from Arizona for the summer.

I sit typing on my laptop in the empty living room. Justin’s gone visiting family. It put my life in perspective. 

My name change creeps closer. I yearn for the day that I can actually do something productive with my life. I’m afraid though because I don’t know what I want to do with my life. So while I can, I plan to go back to school. I’ll find my way...

Though my story is not yet over. I and scared of whats to come. Love? Happiness? Or perhaps grief or sorrow? What ever is in store I stand ready with my vegetables and camera in hand.

The Guy I used to know.

I knew a guy once, he was amazing. Possibly one of the most confident people I have ever known. He walked the halls of his school as if her were a King. 


He had the perfect childhood. Parents who loved him dearly. He had great friends and people who all loved him. He was not shy at all and he always had a friendly welcoming smile.  The girls swooned over him as if her were a gift to women.  He had a younger brother who was an amazing musical artist.


This guy had a perfect life.  Due to losing a kidney when he was 3 years old it made him slightly softer.  It was ok though, the inability to play rough sports turned him into a thinker.  He had looks and brains.


When I met this guy I was so jealous of him and his affect on people. I was angry at him because he was so perfect. So I told him lies. I made him feel uncomfortable. I wanted him to hide him self so that no one would notice him. I told him that he was ugly so that he would be shy and never talk to any girls. 


You see I wanted what he had.


I was NOT going to let him have what I wanted. He was living MY perfect life! How DARE he!...

My life never came out how I would have wanted.  This guy is someone that I possibly could have been.  If there had been some way to fix the problem with my brain I would have taken it.  I literally HATED that I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to give it all up and destroy my life.  I would have if I didn't use video games and books as a crutch.

But here I am in my pretty blouse and so happy.

The past resonates like a slow drumbeat in the distance...

Your different.

You may have noticed that I am different. Someone depressed at such a young age is a bit surprising and perhaps even disturbing.

When did I know I was different? I knew there was something different about me when I was around 3 years old...

...I love to play with my daddy. He loves it when I wear his shoes. I love to hug him and my favorite thing to do is fall asleep with him on the couch curled up at his feet.


One day when I was playing with him and I decided to make him laugh. 

I decided to wear mom's shoes. I showed him hoping for a giggle but all I got was a scowl and my daddy told me, "You don't wear those your a boy. Boy's don't wear girls shoes."

I liked mommy's shoes though they were much nicer than daddy's.  Why would daddy be mad at me for wearing mommies shoes. 

What is a boy and a girl?


Why is daddy mad at me for wearing mommies shoes and not mad at me for wearing his? He said I was a boy that means that daddy must be a boy too since he lets me wear his shoes.


I like mommies shoes much more than daddy's...

...Thats the point in my life where I knew something was different. I knew that my father was calling me a boy when I was not to sure I really felt like one.

What is a Man? What is a Woman?

There's a slight difference in the brains of men and women. That slight difference is what makes someone feel male or female.

I was born with Male genitals but was also born with a female brain. This is the nature of my struggle, the nature of my difference.

Kissing in a Tree.

You look into her beautiful eyes and she looks back at yours and suddenly your first kiss explodes leaving tingles and jingles all over your body.

When I was growing up this is what I expected when kissing a girl but for some reason it just never happened that way.

I had my first kiss when I was 4 years old...

I sat there in my bedroom with my best friend.

We were only sitting there because we were dared by our friends to kiss. They thought we were "Love Birds" because we hung out so much. They would learn later why we hung out so often.

We sat there staring at each other for a moment wondering who would take the first move. The window was above us and the light shown down on her like she were an angel. So I kissed her. It was a small peck but it was on the lips. No tingles no jingles. I felt nothing but her lips.

...She is my friend but not that type of friend so it seems. All I seemed to be deemed to have be done to me was have the "Kissing in a Tree" song sung at me.

The songs repetitive twang still ringing in my ears I wondered.

Do I like girls?

A teetering tear.

People at some point in their life experience a moment where they face their mortality. 

I faced mine at the age of 5...

My hands they look so perfect clean and small. Small. I liked the sound of that word I wish I could stay small. I know whats to come. I know that I will not be small but big.


My parents were punishing me for some stupid thing that I did. I try to speak to them and express myself. I don't have the words though. I can't explain something so simple. I hate that I don't know what to say. I hate that I don't know how to tell them of my torment. 


I don't know if it was the punishment or the torment I am going through but I want to end it. People kill themselves, I've heard of it.


My two year old brother can somehow sense my torment he comes up to me and wipes away my tears and hugs me tightly.


I push Kevin away and speak slowly to him, "Kev I need you to get me a knife. Do you know what that is?"


Kevin nods his little head and runs off towards the kitchen.


I can't believe I sent my brother off to get the thing that would end my life. He's young and will do anything I ask him, did I abuse some trust between him and I. Possibly.


My little brother comes trotting down the hallway his diaper ruffling with each step he takes. I see the glint of silver in his hands as he comes into the room. I close the door.


He hands me a knife and I look to see what type of knife he has brought. A butter knife. It might hurt but it will do.


I strip off my shirt and place the knife on my skin feeling the cool metal threaten to penetrate my skin. Like in the movies I had seen, I place both hands on the knife ready to plunge it into my skin.


Fearful tears fall from my eyes.  This will fix it, this will fix everything. There's nothing else I can do, no words that can be said. How could someone understand? God would not even listen to me.


Ready to plunge the knife into my skin I softly start a slow count, "One, two, Thre-"


My brothers hands were suddenly on top of mine. I could not have him be a part of this. 

He was staring at me.


I looked into his sweet and beautiful little eyes.  Those eyes said things that I could comprehend. Fear and love. It was so pure and so beautiful.


What was I doing? I can get through this. I can learn to live with this. I'm strong. I'll be stronger than anyone.

...So that day my brother saved me. I would be strong for him and for my family. It'll be worth it some day. It has to be.